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Celebrating Emma's 6th Birthday in Heaven: Honoring Our Baby Girl
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
Updated: 1 day ago
It's been 6 years. Honestly, I can't believe it. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and other times it feels like a lifetime ago.
But it's been 6 years since I last held my baby. 6 years since I felt her soft skin against mine. 6 years since I felt her move inside of me. 6 years since I said hello and goodbye.
Emma was born on April 7th, 2020 but it was April 6th that I will look at as the darkest day of my life. April 6th was the day I laid in a ultrasound room and was told by my doctor that my full term baby girl no longer had a heartbeat. To say I was blindsided by this news is an understatement. I went into complete shock. Ill never forget that day.... no matter how much I may want to.
And then, in the early hours of April 7th our baby girl was born. Everything about her looked perfect. She looked as only if she was just asleep. Oh how I wish she were only just asleep. I'll never forget those moments I had with her. I love that verse in the Bible where it described Mary treasuring moments with Jesus in her heart...
"She treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart" (Luke 2:19)
Thats how it was for me in those moments with Emma. Those moments will always be treasured in my heart. As painful as it was, it was even more beautiful. Beautiful moments with her I will never ever forget. Nor would I ever want to.
April 6th and 7th of each year are always days that are very hard for me. They mark as a painful reminder of all that I have lost, and all that i am still missing. Every year we decided that the best way to spend those two days is as a family. So this year, on April 6th, we spent the day as a family and went to visit "Emma's spot" at the cemetery. We packed up the girls and the snacks and we headed off. JD dropped Josie and I off at the flower shop so that we could run in and pick some flowers. I let Josie have her pick. She ended up selecting beautiful roses along with a little fake butterfly and "Happy Birthday Sister" sign. The man who checked us out ended up giving her a long stemmed read daisy as well (just because) and she was so excited.
At Emma's spot, we spend time cleaning her tablet and taking some pictures and videos. We brought some cake pops for the girls to eat as we sat there and talked about Emma and Heaven. Josie and Janna loved to run around on the grass and check out the other markers around Emma. There were Easter decorations everywhere and it was beautiful. A perfect day together. It was just what I needed to get through the pain.
On April 7th, Emma's birthday, we decided do something more fun that the girls could enjoy. We wanted to do something that we probably would have done if Emma was here too. So we decided to go out to Irvine park and visit the zoo. Only $2 each to get into the zoo and the girls LOVED it. There was a black panther, black bear, mountain lion, fox, bobcat, and so much more. We had the best time exploring and seeing all the animals. It was such a good distraction for me to watch my girls have so much fun.
After the zoo we stayed in the park and went on the train ride. This was Josie's favorite part. Her and Janna loved riding the train! Since then ive been asked multiple times to go back and we definitely will. Anything to see that kind of joy on my girls faces.
After coming home and taking time to rest, JD and I ended the day with a stay-at-home date night. We ordered in sushi and spent time together talking and reflecting on life and Emma. It was the perfect way to end the day.
These days area always hard. They always will be. But im learning to sit in the hard when I need to. Nothing helps me more on Birthdays than spending time with my people. Being with them helps the pain easier to carry. Spending time watching them laugh and smile makes me do the same.
I missed Emma SO much this week. I miss her every single day. I spent some time reflecting on her and writing some posts on instagram to honor her. Words that came out from my heart. Here they are so you can read here too....
Post on April 6th: Anniversary of Emma's Death
6 years ago today, on a Monday just like this one, I laid in a ultrasound room as my doctor frantically moved the machine over my 9 month swollen belly, searching for my baby girl’s heart. I’ll never forget the moment I heard her gasp when she saw it.
“Oh Carlie… I’m so sorry. There is no heartbeat.”
It’s hard to think back on those moments that followed. Cries coming from my mouth I had never heard before. I squeezed my eyes shut. I could hear my husbands voice in total disbelief wanting to see for himself. I couldn’t look. I didn’t want the proof.
The most painful phone calls were made. The most painful car ride from the doctors to my parents, and then from my parents to the hospital.
6 years ago today, I was hooked up in a hospital bed and induced to have my baby that wouldn’t come out crying.
There are moments that are a blur (from shock) but then some moments I’ll never forget. Like I’ll never forget the way they gave me a room away from everyone so I wouldn’t have to hear the cries of newborns being born. Or I’ll never forget when the nurse put the monitor on my belly to measure contractions but turned off the heartbeat one, because I didn’t need it. I’ll never forget the pain and fear in my husband’s eyes.
For hours I went through the physical pain of labor praying for a miracle but also preparing for the worst. But truly, no one can be prepared.6 years ago today was the darkest day of my life. And yet, even in the darkness, God was still there.
It’s true when it says “He is near the broken hearted and saves those crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18)
Because my heart was truly broken and my soul felt crushed beyond comprehension.
But…
When I had no strength, He was my strength.
When I had no courage, He made me courageous.
When I felt like I couldn’t breathe, He gave me another breath.
When I look back on that dark day I can see that He carried me through what should have broken me completely.
6 years ago I lost everything I thought I couldn’t live without… but I never lost Him. He was there and He’s been with me ever since.
The grief is still so real. It’s heavy and it hurts.But His faithfulness has never wavered.
Not even once.💜
Post on April 7th: Emma's Birthday in Heaven
Happy 6th birthday in Heaven to my baby. My Emma.
For 6 years I’ve thought about you every. single. day.
I’ve wondered what you would look like, what you would sound like, what it would be like to have you here.
For 6 years ive missed you more than words can say. I’ve randomly cried tears that I couldn’t keep in. I’ve walked around with a huge hole in my heart… A hole that no one else could fill.
I’ve seen other kids your age and I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have you here too.
To watch you ride your bike.
To watch you learn as we homeschooled together.
To watch your daddy hold you in his arms.
To watch you play with your cousins.
To hold your hand and give you kisses each day.
To snuggle you each night and sing over you before you go to bed, like I do to your little sisters.
But lately, more than anything, I’ve wondered what it would be like to watch you be a big sister. As I see your little sisters grow, I always miss seeing you grow alongside them. I miss watching you all play together. I miss seeing you have a sister-relationship with them. I hate that they only know your name and that they don’t know you. I think about my own sisters and how I couldn’t imagine a life without any of them… and then I cry knowing that your sisters have to have life without you.
But when all these feelings hit, and the tears come and the hole in my heart aches… I remind myself that this isn’t the end. This is just a stop on the way to somewhere so much better… to a place where you already are. A place where we can pick up right where we left off.
Every single night my heart prays that Jesus would hold you tight for me. So tonight, on your 6th birthday, I’ll pray for that exact same thing. That Jesus would hold you close until I get to hold you again. Oh how my arms and heart ache to hold you again… To have that hole finally be filled.
One day closer my Emma girl.
I miss you.
I love you, always.
Happy Birthday🤍
Love, your Momma💜
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